Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Let us Be Catholic: A Satire (maybe)

Maybe I have grown a little bitter while working in a church.

Let us be Catholic: Some Suggestions

Let us be Catholic.
You and me.
Let us do what Catholics do.
Daily prayer – who has time for that?
Let us leave Jesus at home. The work place is no place for God.
Let us make time for the Stations of the Cross – “Stations of the Cross” is that a new TV channel?
Let us not volunteer. Volunteering is only for old people, children, and those with no social life.
Let us let someone else volunteer. I’m too busy.
Let us see the devil in everyone who annoys us.
Let us see Jesus in everyone we like.
Let us Love those who are loveable
Let us hate those who are hateable.
Let us tear down one another. It is great fun.
Let us keep to ourselves. I hate being bothered by others.
Let us only go to mass at Christmas and Easter. (Because we have too.)
Let us look and act as bored as possible at mass, for it is such a weary experience.
Let us sing at mass like we are at a funeral in a most begrudgingly manner.
Reconciliation – BLAH. I’m clean enough: I shower daily and do laundry.
Let us love God when it is most convenient for us.
Let us discuss the Parousian. I love Paris this time of year.
Let us not be bothered by the elderly.
Let us take the Lord’s name in vain. I’m not sure how to take it in vein, but I’ll try.
Let us do it if it feels good. How can something that feels so right be so bad?
Let us live out the Bad-attitudes.
The poor…they still exist?
Let us hold a grudge on those we don’t like. I’m not forgiving people who hurt me.
Let us finally realize that it is never our fault. It is always the fault of someone else.
Let us push back those who push us.
Grace before meals. Grace died 30 years ago, and I never liked her much.
Bedtime prayers – geezsch. How much do you want me to pray?
Let us value money, things, and power. Whoever has the most toys wins!
Let us gossip around the water cooler, in the copy room, in the hallway, on the phone, in my home, at my desk, in my office, and in line at the store.
Let us not worry about others. I am #1.
Let us learn about God from bumper stickers and CNN.
Heaven, I’m a shoe in. God wouldn’t keep me out. That’s not loving.
Hell. I think I’ll pass on that. Not my style.
Let us let others educate our children in the ways of God. I’m too busy for my kids and too busy for God.
Let us be too busy for family.
Let us not be too busy for friends.
Let us want something really good and not make the effort to get it.
Let us have our cake and eat it too.
Bread, wine, sounds like a party!
Let us not give to the church this year, Daddy needs a new HDTV.
Gimmmie! It’s mine!
Let us do things for people so that they owe us.
Let us remember the Saints: especially Reggie Bush, Deuce, Drew Brees, Joe Horn, and Devry Henderson.
Let us not tell others that we are Catholic. It might just keep them from joining the church.

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