Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Important Health Advisory from the Pontifical Office of the Liturgical Police

Important health advisory! There have been recent reports of a spiritually deadly disease sweeping across the country that is threatening our parishes. In order to avoid quarantining and closure of your church parish, please answer the following (Answering the following does not guarantee that your parish will not be closed.):

1. Have you ever heard your priest refer to the GIRM as a suggestion book?

2. Does your parish resemble a hippie commune singing Kumbaya more than a divine, heavenly, worship where heaven and earth meet?

3. When you tell people where you go to church, do they respond, “I didn’t know that was a Catholic Church” or “That’s Catholic?”

4. Has your liturgist replaced the phrase in the creed “made man” with “became one of us” or dumped the “smells and bells” by the wayside?

5. Has the bread and wine used for consecration been replaced with milk and cookies?

6. Does your church have a committee to tell the priest how to wipe his nose, with what to wipe it, and when to wipe it? In other words, are there more committees at your parish than there are parishioners?

7. Has the Clergy confused himself with the laity? Has a parishioner confused himself or herself with the Clergy?

If you answered yes to two or more of these then your parish might be suffering from Litabutinitus (lit-a-bu-ta-ni-tus). Litabutinitus is a deadly crippling disease, which if not treated properly will lead to spiritual staleness, post Vatican II Blues, and closure of an infected parish. In years past the only available treatment was excommunication, and it worked effectively on some and not well enough on others.

Fortunately, through the blends of science, faith and modern technology, the Pontifical Office of the Liturgical Police has developed a cure for Litabutinus. Lit-Rite is what it has been called and is posed to cure all liturgical abuses that occur even in the most crazy of churches. Guitar masses, Inappropriate motions and gestures, Barney Blessings, Halloween masses, and other abuses are being said to have been cured by Lit-Rite. Production has begun immediately and is available in three convenient forms: pill, liquid, and aerosol.

The most efficient way to prevent a breakout of Litabutinitus is to quarantine the infected individual immediately and administer Lit-Rite 10mg in pill form by mouth three times daily. If a breakout has already begun simply pour Lit-Rite Liquid into holy water font and parishioners will unknowingly bless the disease out of their systems. It is important to note that Lit-Rite Liquid is absorbed through the skin but can be administered orally. If Litabutinitus has become too wide spread that the parishioners no longer use holy water or holy water fonts then connect the Lit-Rite Aerosol canister directly to the air intake of the heating and cooling unit, turn canister knob, sit back, and breath with ease.

If the above treatments do not seem to remedy the situation simply increase dosage. Other possible means of administering Lit-Rite are to hide Lit-Rite 10mg in the jelly donuts and to slip Lit-Rite Liquid into the coffee and juice at the Donut Ministry table after each Sunday mass.


Lit-Rite is safe for all ages, is not harmful to those not suffering from Litabutinitus, and is environmentally friendly.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOL!!! I know parishes like that!
I'll take several bottles of Lit-Rite, please send them to my diocese.:)

PraiseDivineMercy said...

I need 20 econo-sized bottles, stat!

denise said...

We'll have to start from the bottom up at my parish. Can I get it in suppository form?

Grandma Snark said...

Hilarious.

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