Friday, February 16, 2007

Parish Survival Advice for Men.

So guys, sorry ladies, find yourself working in full time parish ministry? Need some advice. Here is a nice handy-dandy survival package submitted for your approval.

Running Shoes are a must. You will be constantly running into all sorts of grandmas and widows who will cook for you and bring you fresh baked cookies. You need the shoes so that you can stay healthy. Simply owning shoes will not keep you healthy. You need to wear them and go running.

Your church will probably provide you with an out of date, slower than molasses, hunk of junk desktop. Bring your own. Be prepared to have all computer related question addressed to you.

You will need a bag. Not so much for your computer, but for all those Religious Ed documents, paper work, and notes you will need for later. Parish ministry ain't 9-5, but at least you can work from home from time to time.

Ear plugs. Yeah I know. Sounds like a strange item. Remember, you are working in a parish with a staff of mostly all women. More gossip will occur in the office then what most men will know what to do with. In order to save yourself -- more importantly your soul -- buy a pair (in fact buy two and give one set to the priest-- he will take you for them later) and USE THEM. The other alternative is to use a white-noise machine. Ear plugs are cheeper, and you can carry them in your pocket.

Meetings are a drag in nearly every job. What can be acomplished in 5 mins often takes 75. I try to keep the meetings entertaining for myself. So I like to submit proposals like this one here to keep it interesting. The proposal did not go over well. People just don't know how to take a joke some days. Geezsh.

Chocolate is your leverage in the ministry world. Need an extra $50 bucks for your program? Buy some chocolates. Put them on the lunch room table. Wait till the head of your program (most likely a women) chows down on a few pieces then engage her in a to the point dialogue about the $50 you need for your project. Nine times out of ten, this will work.

Your co-worders (besides the priest) will mostly likely consist of all women of post-menopausal age. I've found this book helpful in dealing with women of said type.


Histor said...

Am I glad I'm not old enough to be active in my parish!

Sorry, but dealing with postmenopausal women, buying computers, and such is simply not in my field.

Unknown said...

Thanks Paul! I'll be needing this in a few years...

The Hands And Feet Show said...

One thing you are missing for your kit is a handy collection of pictures of your spouse, family, kids, or anything else that's cute.

First you melt their hearts, then you go for their purses...hehehe.

Also if you are working with young people you will need to buy some kind of bling to show off, or maybe get a tattoo, or get spinners on your car. Just anything to spark a conversation and use words like 'phat' and 'dope'.

Christopher said...

Nah, you don't need that stuff. I have a junky '97 car and that spurs quite enough discussion some days.

Anonymous said...

".....grandmas and widows....mostly all women. More gossip.....Wait till the head of your program (most likely a women) ........ Your co-worders (besides the priest) will mostly likely consist of all women of post-menopausal age. I've found this book helpful in dealing with women of said type........."

My, my, don't WE have a few issues with a certain gender and age!
Tsk, tsk, tolerance, forbearance, Christian charity!
Before somebody else takes issue with YOUR gender and age!

Universal Life Church said...

Would greatly appreciate the adding of one or both of our links to your webpage.

Universal Life Church

Universal Life Church Social Network

Thank You:
~ Brother Michael

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