(Anytown, USA) – Across America a phenomenon is sweeping the nation and no explanation has been found to account for the actions of hundreds of thousands of teens. Malls are empty. Arcades are being unused. Nintendo Wiis remain on store shelves. Coffee houses have gone silent except for the low sounds of smooth sad jazz. It appears that teens are no longer interested in having fun -- at least that is what one behavioral specialist is saying. Dr. John Williams told reporters today that there has been a profound unexpected shift in the behavior of teens. “Such behavioral changes are evolutionary in nature and are needed for the survival of human kind”, said Dr. Williams.
But Dr. Williams comments aren’t just speculation. His theory is supported by the recent exodus of teens from all things teenagery. Multitudes of teens have traded in the green fields of MTV and text messaging for calmer pastures. These teens are being found in the most unusual of places: poetry slams, the local public library, and the county court house to name just a few.
We found sixteen-year-old Lisa Smith at the AnyTown Public Library, who recently started frequenting the place, preparing for a midnight marathon reading of Jame Joyce’s Finnigans Wake when she had the following to say about the recent phenomenon: she said, “I just don’t know. Like, all that time I wasted having fun. It’s just unbelievable. Fun is for kids and babies. Not mature teenagers like myself. I mean, I have to get into college and get a job. Right?” Other teens that we met at the library said that their plans for the weekend included cutting the grass with scissors, data entry and watching the paint dry.
Economists are telling local stores around the US to take warning, as businesses have been forced to close shop and downsize in order to survive this new social shift in teens. Uncertain to what this means, some economics experts believe this social trend in teens will cause a depression greater than the stock mark crash of the 20s. John Badger, the consulting economist for the “Really Big and Fancy Times” said that “Teens drive our economy. With out teens spending their parent’s money how is America going to survive? Think of all the useless things teens buy. All of that will be gone and the millions of people who produce those products will soon be out of a job if we can’t find a way to get these teens interested in having fun again. To prove my point, even TV rating are at an all time low because teens aren’t spending four hours a day watching it.”
This phenomenon is even effecting churches in America. Liz Shepherd, youth minister at St. John’s Church, had been confused by the shift in her youth group’s behavior, “They just aren’t interested in having fun,” she said. “Attendance is low. Every time I host a game night or movie night no one attends. They keep requesting things like dictionary nights and phone book readings.” Though it might seem glum Liz is not worried. She said, “I’m not worried. Teens change their behavior as often as they change their socks. They’ll be back. I’m not worried.”
Whatever the cause and whatever the reasons for this recent teen behavior all that can be said is that it is strange.