Saturday, January 17, 2009

What the History Channel has Taught Me About Jesus

  1. He never existed.
  2. He did exist, but he was only a man.
  3. He was gay.
  4. He was a woman.
  5. He was married to Mary of Magdeline (I guess this makes him a lesbian.)
  6. His real father was a Roman soldier named Pantera who secretly knocked up Mary.
  7. He really just repacked Hinduism and Buddhism.
  8. The Gospels are simply the sum total composite image of Christ from the early Christian communities. Therefore he was not God, but was mistaken for being God.
  9. Jesus' divinity was voted upon at the council of Nicaea.
  10. He was from outter space and was the love child of an alien and Mary. Wait no, Mary was abducted, and the aliens implanted Jesus into her womb.
  11. The gospel of Thomas is the most authentic portrayal of Jesus.
  12. He was a sinner.
  13. Show the masses how Satan was just a psychological malady, and if you tell people they are healed they will believe it.
  14. He never raised anyone from the dead. He simply woke them up from some kind of slumber that the ancient Jews mistook for death.
  15. He didn't die on the cross.
  16. He never rose from the dead. This is just a made up story. His followers just stole his body and spread this story because they were too proud and stupid to accept the truth.
  17. He was a failure.
  18. Insert your own thing the History Channel as taught you about Jesus (leave comment in the annotation box.)


Tint said...

He had a brother, a sister, or maybe both.

Smiley said...

My favorite is that some folks at the council of nicea concocted it al up. These folks must have been damn smart cause for 2000 years we foolish people are still arguing and debating about something they concocted up. If they were that smart ill follow them casue for 2000 years the story still baffles people.

Larry Denninger said...

I think you covered them all. And that's why I don't watch the History Channel. :-)

Byzantine, TX said...

If you want to see not just Jesus but the Church attacked as well, watch the Smithsonian Channel's "Decoding Christianity." It will have you throwing things at the tv screen.

Maggie said...

Also, King Herod was a really, *really* nice guy. Responsible for lots of building projects and community-organizing (okay, okay, I added that last bit.)

That whole thing about Slaughter of the Holy Innocents? Just anti-Jewish propaganda.

Unknown said...

Although I am fond of the History channel, it's not because of all the History on the History channel. Have you ever noticed all the alien abduction, and Monster shows they have? They should really call it the X-files channel. I'm not surprised they have those types of un-historical Jesus theories.

Ismael said...

The problem with the history channel is that it does NOT mention that these are just mere theories without any serious historical proof.

The problem is that many people believe this bull…

Joe of St. Thérèse said...

Funny, I thought that was catechesis class at liberal parish?

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