What the History Channel has Taught Me About Jesus

  1. He never existed.
  2. He did exist, but he was only a man.
  3. He was gay.
  4. He was a woman.
  5. He was married to Mary of Magdeline (I guess this makes him a lesbian.)
  6. His real father was a Roman soldier named Pantera who secretly knocked up Mary.
  7. He really just repacked Hinduism and Buddhism.
  8. The Gospels are simply the sum total composite image of Christ from the early Christian communities. Therefore he was not God, but was mistaken for being God.
  9. Jesus’ divinity was voted upon at the council of Nicaea.
  10. He was from outter space and was the love child of an alien and Mary. Wait no, Mary was abducted, and the aliens implanted Jesus into her womb.
  11. The gospel of Thomas is the most authentic portrayal of Jesus.
  12. He was a sinner.
  13. Show the masses how Satan was just a psychological malady, and if you tell people they are healed they will believe it.
  14. He never raised anyone from the dead. He simply woke them up from some kind of slumber that the ancient Jews mistook for death.
  15. He didn’t die on the cross.
  16. He never rose from the dead. This is just a made up story. His followers just stole his body and spread this story because they were too proud and stupid to accept the truth.
  17. He was a failure.
  18. Insert your own thing the History Channel as taught you about Jesus (leave comment in the annotation box.)